Feeling Heard
Have you ever left a meeting thinking to yourself, “Everything I said was ignored, but when Mike said it, it was a great idea”?
Throughout my career, I’ve had many, many examples of this happening. In my research about how to “Rhi-Vive Your Voice”, I am uncovering how little research there is on how to actually overcome this.
Deborah Tannen is the foremost scholar on Sociolinguistics and she wrote about this scenario in her book, "Talking from 9 to 5". In her book, Phil and Cheryl were in a conference room where Cheryl’s ideas were all picked up and supported by Phil. However, the majority believed Phil had come up with the ideas, not Cheryl.
I’ve had many, many examples of men taking my ideas and using them as their own. Even to the point of presenting them to a CMO without including me as a part of “the team” that worked on the strategy.
On the flip side, I can remember working with Mike who noticed my ideas were not being listened to. He would take my points and support them. Which made me feel appreciated by him. But, management only listened to them if He said it, not me.
Cheryl was just happy that Phil gave her credit and that the work was done. I too appreciated Mike for doing the same. He knew they were my ideas and he gave me credit. Thank you, Mike, I’ve always appreciated that.
But why?
“Studies show that women are more likely to downplay their certainty and men are more likely to minimize their doubts. These habits…result from the socialization of boys and girls by their peers in childhood play. As adults, both women and men find these behaviors reinforced by the positive responses they get from friends and relatives who share the same norms. But the norms of behavior in the U.S. business world are based on the style of interaction that is more common among men.” 1
So, what does that mean?
These norms are instilled in us from childhood and we have to find ways to break through.
Men are more “comfortable speaking up in groups, need little or no silence before raising their hands, or speak out easily without waiting to be recognized and are far more likely to get heard at meetings.” 1
Now this does not mean as Women we can just adopt this style. Because, then I am seen as “too aggressive”. 1
Unfortunately, there is not a ton of research on this. However, we also see a big change coming from this new Gen Z. I’m eager to see how this younger generation takes on these norms. I’ve seen more bold behaviors from younger women in meetings recently. We all know the younger generation is taking on this world from a whole new angle. I for one, am excited to see how this might change things in the future.
Here are a few ways that I have incorporated being heard -
Speaking up -
As a manager, I have tried to instill in my teams that they have a voice. For example, with one of my larger teams, I implemented the “person with the “least experience” talks first”. This wasn’t in every meeting, but in meetings where it made sense. For example, if a Sales Rep was pitching us a new idea. We would let younger, less experienced people on the team practice talking first. It allowed them the space to practice in front of a small group, and then in larger groups, and eventually to clients. Plus, it ensured the people with the most experience were actively listening. They needed to be sure to fill in whatever the more junior person said and give the information to the salesperson that they needed to help us do our jobs. Giving everyone a chance to speak made them better able to hone their skills speaking in groups.
As an employee, the least I ask for is a conversation. I don’t need to always get what I’m asking for, just asking my opinion, and listening to what I have to say goes a LONG way. If I have tried on at least three different occasions to have a conversation with you and I do not feel heard, then I know it will never happen. As an employee, I know my value and the worth that I bring to a company. If I am not being heard, and I know that I am speaking up, then why did you hire me? When I feel heard, I am loyal, and I will work my arse off for you.
Managing-Up -
The best thing I learned early on in my career is that managing-up is just as important as managing down.
As a manager, my job is to teach my team how to manage-up. I need my teams to tell me what they need because I can not read their mind. Not only is my job as a manager to teach my team how to do 'the job' but also how to ask for help. Teaching them how to give me the information I need to make their job better, is also their job. Learning this skill takes time, and as a manager its important to teach others how to manage up to us.
As an employee, everyone’s job is to manage-up. Even if you are a CEO, you are likely still reporting to shareholders. So, there is always someone to “manage up” to. Gaining this ability is a skill. We always have to let our managers know what we are up to and how they can help us get our jobs done. This has taken me years to get better at and it is not easy to get right. Every manager I’ve had is different and they all want to see different things, but that is just as much a part of the job as getting actual work done.
That is what I’ve got for now.
What about you? Has this happened to you? What are some examples of things you have tried to get your voice heard?
Sources:
The Power of Talk: Who Gets Heard and Why (hbr.org)
Dr. Deborah Tannen, "Talking from 9 to 5"
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